I am somewhat embarrassed to admit that I still feel afraid of getting in trouble as someone in their mid 20s. I mean the sense you had in school when the teacher found out you did something 'wrong'—scare quotes because the morality of school is always relative to the teacher's made up rules, a sort of insane God ruling a class of disinterested kids—and the excruciating moments where you had to sit and stay quiet as they told you the usual things you already knew, how what you did was so bad and that they must now punish you for it.
It feels very humiliating to both be infantilized in those situations, as well as feeling the same way as an adult even though people have far less power over me. The second feeling is similar to the ego's reaction to pain, which amplifies the pain which was already there and which might have been more bearable if it was by itself. There is a part of me that really wants to be independent and not care so much what people think of me, but alas, I am not there, and that adds additional internal pain.
It's obvious that merely having spent some years away from school and the pressure of its authority do not magically make the fears go away. After all, it's a very deep form of conditioning, done at an early age and over two decades in my case, the kind that affects your subconscious and not merely your conscious ideas and experiences. But still, there is a part of me that really hates how much I squirm in front of any figure which has some type of power over me. I hate having someone who can tell me what to do, and I hate that I am afraid of them even though they are so weak in reality. I wish I could just punch them in the face, or at least give a convincing threat that I would, so that they would stop messing with me.
As a result, there are several components to how I feel about authority. First, the external structures of power, which were far more real when I was a kid because I had no ability to provide for myself and was thus reliant on my parents, and thus had to get on well with the teachers otherwise it would hamper the relationship with the people who gave me food and housing. As an adult, I realize that the equivalent for those are mostly threats without any real punch behind them. The worst thing my boss could do is fire me, for a job I plan to leave in less than a year anyway, and which does nothing to the money I have alreayd acquired.
Second, my internalized fear about said authority, which could make me do whatever bullshit tasks they thought was useful and punish me if I wasn't in line. The main fear I had was in fact having to deal with my parents, moreso than the teachers, because again they are the ones I am reliant on to have food and housing, and also because I knew I wouldn't be stuck with the same teachers forever, but I would have the same parents my entire life.
Third, my hatred of that authority, because I do not respect their competence or the usefulness of their tasks. Schooling is an autrocious waste of time because the intelligent and ambitious students are constantly slowed by it, and the other ones don't even pay attention to the lessons, either copying whatever is on the board like monkeys, or constantly having to be disciplined to stay silent.
And fourth, my hatred of that fear which I haven't overcome, a sense that I should be stronger than that and be comfortable giving the middle finger to any emperor with no clothes.
I don't really know how to "solve" this to be honest. I know for sure that being able to stay with your fear is a necessary condition in being able to deal with it, and as such, I have somewhat improved in that regard. I can say "no" to regular people, not easily, but fairly confidently, in a way that makes it clear that I am not antagonizing them by doing so, but simply expressing what I feel.
I also know when I am going to leave my current job, which feels so meaningless that I do not even feel compelled to write about it. I want to focus on drawing and writing after that, though I prefer to work on rather than talk about my plans.
But really, I'm not sure there is any clear path towards addressing the fear of authority. As usual, I tend to divide such a "path" into the 4 elements, which here will be:
I think all of the elements are important in this equation. Facing fear is important, but also learning to not take things so seriously is also important, otherwise you become brittle and reactive. Creating your own path is better than just being good at reacting to fear, but you also want to be in touch with enjoyment and love, not just purpose, and you also want your ambition to be grounded in the current reality. On and on.
What I like about framing my life in terms of the 4 elements is that it invites balance and dialogue, as opposed to trying to figure "the one path", which never exists, to solve problems ahead of time. It's a dynamic solution as opposed to one designed beforehand and which I try to stick to it, although there is also some value to perseverance of course.
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Fear Social Authority Expectations 4Elements
2025-07-31