There is a dynamic akin to the Stockholm syndrome, where people are eager to excuse the habits of awful people in their life. For instance, if a boss treats others horribly at work, but they happen to treat you well, then a surprising amount of people, especially the oversocialized ones, will see that boss as being a "good person deep down", someone who can be kind to you once you get to know them, but is demanding and thus can be an asshole. 1
That is a nice story, a romantic and "subtle" story about how even awful people have a good side to them, but in my experience, the people who tend to hold such opinions are cowards. There are of course people we meet in lives who can appear abrasive on the surface because we saw them in their worst day, but by and large, I think that people are far too afraid of calling out assholes for what they are.
My personal explanation as to why people do this is that human beings detest meaningless pain, but because our capacity to justify anything and add meaning to our life is so much stronger and quicker than our ability to do something about the pain, again especially if you oversocialized, then people turn to the former. 2 The latter on the other hand requires acceptance, responsibility, and the spine to establish boundaries.
There is also a perverse excitement that people get from drama. Whereas those who are largely pleasant to be around tend to be taken for granted over time, seen as "too boring", those who are mostly nasty but can be nice from time to time offer this Skinner box roller coaster of ups and downs. Most people would never admit that they enjoy problems and drama, but their inability to appreciate and stay still in their life, and how often they gossip point to the contrary.
Not that those "nice" people aren't suspect too, because they are often—not always—fawning over others as a way to feel safe around people, or feel good about themselves. Underneath their mask lies contempt and even hatred of others, ready to explode at any moment if the situation calls for it.
I don't think there is much to add to this piece. Some people are awful and make us feel bad. Trying to convince ourselves that they are "good underneath" is not just unkind to ourselves, but it also allows their terrible behavior to stay unchecked and cause problems for others. The reason why people don't stand up for themselves is not because they haven't learned the right kind of information, it's because they are afraid to do so. It's quite simple really: any relationship where you cannot say "no" to someone is highly suspect, but once you can notice that in your own life, the main obstacle will be fear, not intelligence.
1 As far as I can tell, this is a frequent tactic employed by abusers to get their victims to empathize with them. "You see, I am a terrible person, but you my dear are different!". Another notable example is when someone cheats on their partner for you.
2 Similar thing I have written about: Glorifying struggle
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Maturity Boundaries Slavemorality Abuser Justification Fear
2025-09-01