This title is my clumsy way of saying that I am currently burning out from a job which doesn't require all that much from me, all things considered. I can meet all my demands in around 10 to maybe 15 in the most extreme cases of relatively focused work, which leaves me "free" for the rest of the week. But that's the first problem, which is that I am not exactly free to do what I want during this extra time. I still need to be in front of the computer, be present and ready to answer things or debug problems, even though I might want to take a small nap, take a walk outside, or just do anything which doesn't involve a screen and allow me to relax fully. I feel like my job creates a thousand cuts on my attention and energy by virtue of needing to be ready for it, for 40 hours a week, and that I don't have that much uninterrupted time to really relax and do things I would want in my week.
Complaining about that leaves you open to accusions that you are a spoiled, ungrateful person, who should feel lucky that they have a job and a relatively safe position in a first world country. This is the second problem I have experienced, which is that it's impossible to talk about this in real life without those accusions coming at you. Therefore, I shut up and tend to push down my problems. I have noticed myself turn more and more to pornography ever since I got this job, as a way to cope from all of this. It's not like this is a new problem in my life, but I feel like the tendency to turn to porn has definitely increased ever since I started my current job, three years ago.
What is it that I am feeling exactly, and which I need to cope from? It's difficult to pinpoint exactly. I feel a general sense of lacking control in my life, of not being given the opportunity to do things I want, and of being too mentally tired to do the things which would be good for my life and the projects I would want to build. Porn solves those three things in the sense that it gives me a very crude form of "control", a toxic one I acknowledge of course, but still a surrogate of control, it gives me a very crude, and again toxic, form of pleasure, compared to a job which has never really felt satisfying for me, and it doesn't require much attention or focus to get all of these.
I am not trying to rationalize this unhealthy habit, it's really an addiction and should be seen for what it is. But also, addictions root themselves in something deeper, and I find it helpful to identify the way in which porn is a surrogate for healthier things in my life.
The problem with office jobs is that next to none of your energy gets actualized into felt impact. Rather than a project you personally want to do, or a problem which someone faces and which you really want to help them with, office jobs feel like an endless series of tasks which exist for no good reason, except if you consider making wealthy invectors and companies owners even richer a meaningful use of your time.
Work often requires effort, but this effort can feel incredibly satisfying if the impact is directly felt. Many people note how difficult it can be to get themselves to exercise, but by the end of a session, the common conclusion is that it was worth it, or perhaps even that it feels great afterwards. It is not always pleasant to strive for things, or chase what you want, especially because we can programmed in chasing things we don't really care for, but there is still a way in which this basic loop of intention, effort and then satisfaction is quite hardwired in us, and given its proper context, I think it's healthy.
This loop gets disrupted when either the intention doesn't come from us, and instead we are coerced into doing things, sometimes even coerced by ourselves! Or it can be disrupted when there is no felt satisfaction from performing a task, when the result feels purely abstract as opposed to embodied.
This is the major reason why Effective Altruists (EAs) burn out so consistently. They tell themselves this story that working for money and donating this to some charities is the most efficient usage of their time, but their body doesn't care about all these concepts and stories. What the body feels and wants is direct connection with other people, embodied release and satisfaction (which can be an orgasm, or a more abstract version of it) and a felt sense of agency. Doing what the mind wants in every circumstance, or what someone else's mind tells you is a good idea, doesn't feel like agency, it feels like slavery.
People who are disconnected from their body lose access to their inner want, because wanting isn't an activity from the mind, something you figure out, but something which can be directly accessed to at every moment, as long as we are willing to listen to our body. The problem is that, by and large, school and our upbringing in society is about rupturing that connection with our body, which is why young children full of energy have to spend most of their time sitting in a chair for 8 hours, listening to a dull teacher reciting a lesson.
Returning to my specific problem, let me list and recap the things I feel and expand on whatever feels important right now:
The takeaway from all of this remains largely the same as what I thought before, which is that quitting my job in 2026 is not an option, it's a necessity if I want to take my own life and creativity seriously. Settling for a predictable path of misery is not "safe", it's utterly insane.
What can I do in the meantime? I will stick with the deadline I have decided for myself. I don't think quitting impulsively is a good idea, especially because I still live with my parents which means that I would have to talk things through with them. I find that the natural chapter of starting a new year is a good opportunity to make this kind of change, which is why I prefer to wait until next year, which will also allow me to use my remaining days off work.
All of this is my mind planning and rationalizing. The truth is that I don't really know if what I'm doing is good for my life, or if it would be better to be impulsive. I think in the meantime I will practice how to do less things and not feel guilty about that. Rather than constantly force myself to make use of my time, I want to be slowly better at doing nothing, and truly resting, instead of sitting in a state of anxious boredom, scrolling away my time, which never rests me nor gives me the satisfaction of doing things.
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Burnout Innerconflict Modernity Work Shame Hermeneuticinjustice Honesty Babysteps Porn
2025-11-18