February 22nd. I have to quit my job. There are many reasons I can give, but ultimately life often comes down to a simple binary: be courageous and stand for what's right, or be a coward and do the "easy" thing, the easy thing you end up regretting for many years, if not decades, thereafter. It's the thing which is easy to live with, versus the thing which is easy in the moment. Not always, but very often this is what meaningful decisions boil down to.
But here are some of the reasons, to remind myself when walking the difficult path.
§1. Life happens here and now, not in the future. If you keep delaying the difficult decisions, if you keep denying your own soul in favor of the path of least resistance, if you rationalize to yourself that your miserable job is fine, this is the type of person you become. People rarely take into account the cost of delaying decisions because it is difficult to evaluate what it means to become someone else from the point of view of present-you, but the cost is huge. People stay stuck in jobs they hate because they've calcified around an identity that accepts misery and mediocrity. The self and the prison have become one.
§2. I want to create, not be a wage cuck. People who think in terms of money and stability have fundamentally given up on their own creative potential. They turn on the TV to get cucked by the news, they watch sports to get cucked by the game, they go to work to get cucked by the boss, and they watch porn to get literally cucked. I might struggle to find a way to make money with my creativity, but even then I need to do it. Money is money, I can find another way to make it, but I can't find another way to live my life, the Universe has given me certain gifts and I must make use of them or else I become miserable, aimless, cynical about petty things.
§3. Society is collapsing as we speak. It might take a while for the effects to really show up, but ultimately there is no collective future for an industrial world, particularly in the West which has maintained its prosperity through unsustainable practices and exploitation. Delaying my life to a future which doesn't even exist doesn't make any sense, a lack of hope means that we have to find beauty, love, freedom and all other qualities in the present.
§4. Some people give up on life somewhere in their 20s, and after that keep reminiscing about the "good times" for the rest of their life. I don't want to be such a person. I am still young, which means I need to never look back, ever, because my life is yet to be if I take it seriously and use my time and energy wisely. Life is too short to be pulled down by naysayers, or what I would call time-wasting "friendships", the ones I alluded to above.
§5. No more half measures. I have spent much of my life living safely, but this makes you miserable, especially if you are a young man. I want to get good at following up on my desires, even if they seem "immature" or "shallow", like spending time with beautiful women. If something feels scary, then I want to do it, even if badly, even if it's embarrassing, because the worst thing in life is never trying, and finding yourself haunted by what ifs.
There was supposedly a lunar eclipse on March 3rd, causing the moon to turn blood red. I live in Europe meaning that I couldn't see it, since it happened in the early morning (or late night depending on the type of person you are) of East Coast time, which means there was a moment (including at 3:33AM which is very cool) where the moon had a deep copper red hue to it. That must have been a sight.
It's a pretty cool symbol of this new chapter of my life, being bold, coming into contact with my repressed energy and power, and taking more risks. I might not have seen the scarlet moon, but it compels me to face fears and stop hiding from who I am and what I want.
I resigned from my job on Wednesday, March 4th. I have many weeks of notice so I am technically still working there, but obviously it's a big decision in my life.
Or is it? It seems to me that the most important things in life do not really feel like decisions, like choosing between two paths on a crossroad, as is typically depicted. Rather, it feels like having to choose between being nice and being good, between the "safe" option you know you will regret, and the right thing which is scary and comes with uncertainty, pain and difficulty. In that sense, there is really no choice, it's about having the courage to live, versus deferring your life to a future that never comes.
Some of the people at work seem to have resigned themselves from living fully, which is why I don't want to be there anymore. I think all office work is similar in that regard, which is why I won't look for a "better" office job, because there is no such thing. Things can be quantitatively better, like earning slightly more money, having a better commute, and having more free time, but the inherent compromise, the meaninglessness of the work, the bullshit of power dynamics and gossip, all of those will stay the same.
A world without God leads people to talk about triviality all the time. This makes me want to go mad, and those people see no problem whatsoever with that, they have no soul which could feel what's missing, which is why they spend so much of their time talking about food, or holidays, or complaining about the smallest, most irrelevant things, because they have no ability to face real intensity, such as self-softening love, the maddening delight of real freedom, and of course the fear of one's death.
I think any conscious person must make this one of their biggest priorities: to surround oneself with people who know what is important from what isn't, because if you don't make a conscious effort for that, your life will be innundated by triviality, and the world will drown your soul.
Hence the need for silence, because it is in those moments of quiet that one's conscience speaks the clearest, which is very likely why so many spend all of their time surrounded by distractions, fill their room with noise and colors, because listening to their conscience is painful, because they know deep down that they are betraying the miracle of life with the way they are living.
It is not just triviality which distracts us from our more conscious self, it's also the seemingly "serious" business of the news, the illusion of becoming more informed. Because what is the life of those who are glued to their screen, constantly paying attention to the newest thing, but an escape from what they can change, and the inability to focus on anything whatsoever?
The propaganda of the news isn't so much found in its information, though that can certainly be very distorted due to the various incentive structures that affect the institutions responsible for relaying the news, but it is found in its structure of atomization. There is no coherent unity of Reality which is broadcasted to us, instead it is a series of isolated snapshots depicting events that trigger us into feeling something, typically despair, powerlessness and anger, which is why focusing on this or that fact is besides the point, it's the spectacle as a whole which is a problem, and the way in which it turns us into passive spectators of our life.
In the past, control was exerted through ignorance and an active repression of the Truth through control of facts, but now the Truth finds itself buried under a mountain of irrelevant facts. We went from the Orwellian dystopia of 1984 to a Huxleyan Brave New World, which is why facts, by themselves, are not freeing. They are of course important, but they need to be embedded in a greater whole, in this case, the unity of my consciousness, the only thing which I can directly experience, "prior" to representations, whether of society or my mind.
The central importance of consciousness, and its total uselessness in our modern world, is why many people make good critiques of our system, but are so terrible at giving solutions. They are like prisoners who have become astute at understanding the problems of the prison they are in, but they know nothing of freedom, because only a conscious person can experience and embody freedom, or love, or empathy, or any of the qualities we care about.
Thus the news can provide certain useful facts, but it could never make you more free, because only you can become more conscious, by facing your self, by facing pain and difficulty, and by facing the situation you are in.
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2026-03-09